Do Red Pants need apply?
As I sit here and process my thoughts and feelings, I wonder what will show up for me in the days ahead. I have just lost someone who was very integral in my development as a human being, my mothers mother. It did not come as a surprise, so I have been preparing myself. As much as one can anyways. My initial reaction was minimal, then stoicism, then some emotions showed up a little bit at a time. I was in the grocery store when my mother messaged me, so I called her as soon as I finished paying. I only talked to her for a few minutes, since I did not know what to say. The bus was brightly lit and I withheld my tears as much as I could for the short ride home. As soon as I got home, I knew I wanted to be with my family during this time. I also knew I would regret not being there. I lived with my Nan for several years in my early teens, after she had retired. She taught me many of the technical skills I developed into a career, and continue to use in daily life. Mostly, she taught me that being calm was ok, and being happy was important. I can't say how she taught me that, but living with her as an example was enough.
So, where do the red pants come into play here? Red pants being a figure of speech for who I am at my core, what does that look like over the days ahead? Will I be able to put them on, and keep them on? Perhaps it will be even easier... one hopes.
As I move ahead, the best I can do is allow myself to feel, speak, and express. Allow myself to be. Allow myself to live through the days without dragging anything behind me, without throwing anything at anyone, myself included. I will keep my heart and soul open to possibility, and hold the space for love, abundant love.
As a reminder, I will be packing some red pants.